I’m exercising my right to express myself as I am. So, tonight I am gifting to you all a part of myself to show my appreciation for all my loved ones. So bare with me please, this isn’t easy for my nerves and it may not be easy for some of you. *(Trigger warning)*
“People are books and we heal by telling our stories.”
“Lucas, this place is not for you.”
“You need to go out and share Lucas with everyone”
A couple months ago a few humans that have a special place in my heart were expressing these to me before I even figured it out myself.
If you had spoken to me 3 months ago, it wouldn’t have been easy. I was distant and there was a sadness that was present in my eyes that wouldn’t fade. I was restless every night and I lost my ambition for life. I spent a lot of time walking through Brandon and each passing moment only haunted me further. I had full anticipation that I was going to overcome this sadness and everything was going to be normal again for me.
That wasn’t the case, and to be quite honest when I moved to Winnipeg it didn’t change how I felt. I still felt like a lost soul, still do some days but I’m discovering that’s okay.
I quit my job spontaneously, and gave my notice to my place of living. Every time I took a step towards change it frightened me but I also had a sense of liberation. I started living a lifestyle similar to a nomad.
I arrived in Winnipeg and I started working right away, and to my avail I quit my job again before the holiday season. It was different this time, and I felt more terrified than I ever have in my whole life.
I walked home that night from my job and I called the Trans Life Line feeling helpless.
Right before my twenty second birthday I met my demon at the door and I shook their hand. They had a lot of interest in me, and I was curious too. We talked for a couple weeks off and on and they found comfort in my sadness.
My depression was winning, and it was reaching a point where I didn’t know how to stop it. My demon was introducing me to thoughts I had never crossed before and it grew more terrifying. If you haven’t caught on already my demon was suicide.
The night I quit my job I was prepared to give up, and check myself in. Something inside me was crying for help but I knew I was the only one that could help myself.
I started picking up the pieces and I’ve been putting them back together one by one.
Suicide is a sensitive topic, and to be honest I didn’t expect myself to ever share this with anyone past the grids of my own mind, I wanted to protect myself and all of you around me but I realized that I’m not doing anyone good by not sharing this life changing experience. Maybe someone will relate to how I felt and it will help them so they don’t feel alone.
I’m not worried about sounding like a broken record because this is important for me to heal. This is my medicine for my soul.
Yes, 3 months ago I did experience a heart break that threw me completely off of my tracks, I think I felt this way because of how abrupt the change was and I had no sense of closure for myself.
Communication completely stopped and it hurt to feel that absence.
Just before the New Years I finally received some of the closure I was looking for. It was extremely difficult to look into the eyes of the person you love for the last time, but I needed to see where I was. Some of you may see it as ridiculous that I became such a fool for love but if I had to go over and redo it, I wouldn’t change anything about my journey.
This was the first New Years I celebrated in 3 years because I finally wasn’t sick, and I spent it with a pile of humans who have patiently sat by and let me feel what I am. My most favourite and cherish-able experience from that was when ‘Sorry’ – Justin Bieber started playing and my cousins all stood in a group and beckoned me to come over. I was in the centre of this circle while they were all singing to me, and what was supposed to be a sweet gesture turned into an emotional tide for me, because I could feel the energy of love lifting off from them all and I know all of them have watched me struggle. Ever since I started testosterone crying hasn’t come easy for me, so that night that experience lifted off all the hurt I was holding in and I started tearing up. Before giving Levi a much needed hug I stepped away to be with myself for a moment.
Making peace with this closure has stripped me of who I thought I was and introduced me to who I really am.
Winnipeg has been incredibly healing for my path of darkness and I have been finding all the love I need in myself.
A couple days ago someone close in my heart mentioned to me
“Now that I see you in Winnipeg I can see you as you really are, and you’re comfortable. It shows.”
This is my path of healing, and I just want you all to see that I’m doing okay.
I start a new job this week, and I’m taking it as a motive to build something positive in my life for me.
Thank you all for being patient with me when I was feeling so clouded.